Another Day

Its been a while since my last posting but I think its time to let you guys know what is happening. In the past few weeks we have received many phone calls and emails from friends and also people who we don’t know at all with words of praise and encouragement. Thank you all for every word and concern expressed. Every word of advice means so much to us.  We know, as I said it before, that we are not alone and people follow our story with their hearts. Thank You. I hope we can help you guys too somehow to chose the best ways in your life by our super difficult example how a great life can be turned down in a few weeks, to a state where really nothing else counts but you and your health in this life. It’s not the houses we own or cars or toys...it’s our health. What’s life worth without it? Even if we own a Ferrari, Million Dollar House, Business it will not matter that day when you have no energy to get up, the Luis Vuitton bags or Gucci are worthless. Health#1....Love, kids your closest family and friends are most important. So if you have some money that you save for something big like upgrading the floors, new bathrooms, cars… invest it into your health first! Go on a long vacation, join a gym, eat healthy and slowly, enjoy the surroundings, read a book, relax, relax, relax!....but I know,  Its easier to write it then to do it, but please at least think about it sometimes J

Also Thank You for all the donations, obviously every dollar is put into a great cause and we make sure we live somehow without worrying about all the payments and debt. This should be the last thing to worry about now. And we try not to.

 I cant say much about Paulina's side of things, she will post her own posting this week but I will try to describe a few things that were going through my head in this difficult past time period. Sometimes when I go for a walk with Pepsi, our dog Yorkiepoo, its all clear what to write and once I get in front of the computer at home I freeze inside and am unable to put anything together. And that is what I want to write about, the incredible thing which is our human body. I think I understand now what has happened to me which is a very strange event. Since Paulina’s last battle in the hospital, where she had days left in her life, we gave her this drug Crizotinib and yes indeed it miraculously helped her recover, slowly move her health into the positive side of things, move away from the darkness that we might have encountered. Myself, I went though a shock, and as I know now my mind automatically, without my influence, locked up back then, it got ready for the worst without me controlling it. It prepared my for the worst and it turned my emotions off completely. The thing and problem is that Paula is feeling much better now and my mind-state has stayed the same. What that means is that I am emotionless recently, I find myself being absent, like in a dream, the days go bye without me remembering what happened yesterday. I think it’s amazing in some way that our bodies are protecting us, they are shielding us from the evil that comes our way. A good example of this is when Robert Kubica the Formula1 driver. He recently had a horrific accident where he almost died, when he is asked about the accident he doesn’t remember anything, first thing he remembers is the day before, that’s all. It’s great because he can get back into racing without any traumas or fears. Same with me, my brain was and kind of is still shut off, shielding me from all this stress and worst events/memories that I might have. Many times as I got phone calls from friends I had to describe Paulinas suffering and I always broke down  in tears when describing my our reality. I have a very creative and artistic mind and the way it works is that when I describe or remember something I just replay this movie in my head and it’s very real, very intense. I re-live it again and it hurts sometimes. Same with this blog, every time I write anything its from the bottom of my heart and it just drains me completely. That is why I tried to "recover" a bit recently and avoided the internet completely. Also the doctors scared the hell out of me too a few times (if you read my earlier posts) and you just think of the worst to come and you are constantly remained that the situation is bad. Its just a mental killer. My job is graphic design but I am creatively dead now, wonder what to do with this now. I do need a rest for a while I think, I ran out of the last drop of energy and my body reacted this way protecting me from further harm. Amazing how our bodies work.

Now regarding Paulina, yes she has left the hospital after a few weeks after taking the first dose of Crizotinib and she stayed home ever since. It was very hard because the nurses at the hospital did everything around her; they were amazing, angels so to speak. They were there on call within 20 second when Paula buzzed them with a few exceptions but that was fixed with a few chocolates. Well to replicate this at home is quite the challenge since we have our son who also needs close attention as he is 4 years old now and everything excites him :))) Lovely little fella. We, and our family had to juggle things all day around Paula but it paid off in a big way. Soon Paula could walk, although slower, but hey, what do we want more...climbing the stairs to the bedroom was very difficult since her muscles were gone (don’t forget her weight was 38kg) so she had to rebuild them slowly step by step. And Karolek helped her too with pushing her up the stairs and showing her how to do it using arms too, just like Pepsi or sliding down on his butt :) fun times in some way, we made the best out of it, accepted it as a norm. Paula gained now about 15kg I think (she will let you know the details soon) and she can even walk slowly to the mailbox. We did a few short excursions like the Maple Syrup Festival or the gym for Swimming and other cool classes for Karolek. Things got slowly much better and we knew it would take months for Paulina to be fully mobile and strong but we are patient.

Now the more negative news…Unfortunately about three weeks ago the fever came back shortly for a day or so. We thought it’s just a virus as we heard that many people have colds but the fevers came back and now it got to a point where the fevers are there every day again now. Reaching 40. Also the cough came back but only in the morning but its rather strong, its productive. I will not write more about it because I want Paula to have some room to describe her state but we are a bit afraid again. Did the cancer mutate that Crizotinib (our angel drug) doesn’t work anymore? Did she maybe just get a cold that weakened her body so we kind of took a few steps back but once the virus goes away we move forward again? Fears creep up slowly again. Will keep you posted.

Love

Konrad