Glimmer of hope in NYC

Driving down to NYC today with the family to meet the principle investigator of a brand new trial to consider if I'm eligible. Feeling so privileged to get advice on next steps from this world renowned t-cell expert! A good day.  

whats new (and back to basics)

I'll try and make this a short and sweet update.

Sorry for not updating this blog more often to let you know how I am.

Truth is I have been a bit of an emotional mess and it has been really hard to get myself to write at all. But now that I've started writing what better place to start than to share some happy news. A recent (and unfortunately most painful to date) bone marrow biopsy has come back negative for lymphoma! This was a huge relief, especially when the doctors now fear the worst; that I will relapse as soon as I stop this drug :( As you can see there is a bit of a rain-cloud even over the happiest news..

The doctors are again having me reconsider doing an allogenic transplant. Because they think this could very likely be my last chance.. Aim would be to do it early as mid-September. So much pressure on me of late with making this decision. Do I pull the trigger on myself with high dose chemo and radiation to 'delete' my immune system and make room for somebody else's, a one way road with no return- I will be forever changed if I do make it out alive. All that I can think of is an 18 year old girl whose story I had been following, having found it as she was going through so much of the same as me. She is one of the not too many out there who have done the allo after sgn-35. She was an icon of hope for me, a strong girl to be looked up to in every way, and her family is now grieving as she passed away earlier this month due to transplant-related complications. Absolutely devastating.. And yet, despite all this, the words of the transplant doctor in Toronto echo in my head, when I asked - would it be worth the risk for me to do right now? He replied, "It would be more of a risk to do nothing". And I have been stopped in my tracks ever since...

In the meantime, we were happy to watch 2012 Olympics any chance we got - even if it meant tuning in during treatments, as it turned out, pictured below.

Thank you for your prayers, wishes and concerns. This summer has been a reminder to us yet again of how fragile health can be, and unfortunately of the gripping fear that overcomes us everytime we question it.. But somehow, one day turns into the next, and we continue to roll along.

AS A SIDE NOTE....

I've recently stumbled upon a book that addresses some of the anxiety I've been feeling. I highly recommend it to anyone who has ever wondered what they should change so that the cancer would not come back. After conventional treatment for a brain tumor at the age of 31, the author, an ambitious physician and neuroscience researcher, asked his oncologist that exact question.

His answer was perfectly stereotypical: "Go back to your usual way of life. It won't make much difference."

So he continued living his life as he had before, eating a diet high in sugar and red meat, exercising little, and abandoning an earlier interest in meditation. The cancer came back..

I got the same answer from my oncologist and while it did take pressure off of making changes in my life, I did feel deep down that there must be something I could do, or rather that I should be doing differently.

Reading this book, I recall Hippocrates' words that say it best (more meaningful to me having completed Hippocrates Health Center's life change program) - "Natural forces within us are the true healers of disease".

DEEP breath. Reading through this book (by an author who went on to live 20 years from the date of his brain cancer diagnosis), I thought I'd re-iterate some key points here for anyone who can benefit. I'll be the first to admit I'm no expert at this, in fact I'm angry at myself for not staying true to these things, simple as they sound, as I should. But I'm working on it, and thought it may be very worthwhile to share with anyone reading along with this blog, my journey with cancer. So I remind myself again --

• To pay attention to the breath. Simple breathing exercises can do wonders in stress management
• To live in the moment (rather than a general tendency to re-live the past or plan for the future).
• To get up and move. It may sound silly, but the more active you are, the more active blood will be against cancer cells :)
• To be positive. Healthy emotions mobilize our immune systems too. Feelings of helplessness and fear release noradrenaline (fight-or-flight) and cortisol (stress) hormones that in turn signal inflammation as if to repair a wound - what you get is an immune system that like you, has also given up :(
• Lastly, to eat healthy to stimulate our immune system and thus set up defenses against cancer progression and development. The list of anti-cancer foods is endless in this book and anywhere else you seek out ones that are anti-inflammatory (inflammation often drives cancer growth), antioxidants, that serve to detoxify, etc. I agree with the author -- 'Why not take advantage of this natural protection against disease?!'

If you're interested in reading the book its called Anti-Cancer: A New Way of Life by Dr. David Servan-Schreiber, MD, PhD.

Before I forget, speaking of living in the here and now, we have a new addition to the family, in the pictures below. Karolek gave him the name Koko.

He and our other Yorkie-Poo named Pepsi, are very much different in character yet loved the same, and have definitely kept us busy this summer! Just watching them play is both calming and elating. We cant get enough of them:)

It feels good to have finally come back here with a post. Somehow therapeutic in its own way..

On that note I leave you with a quote,

"Just watching an animal closely can take you out of your mind and bring you into the present moment, which is where the animal lives all the time". -Guardians of BEING